when somebody loved me...

"eventhough being single gives me more freedom to do anything i desired, but sometimes it feels lonely without having someone to love..."

this quote, for me, is really true. i got this from one of my BFF (well, he did ONCE have a crush on me too. hohoo~) just few months ago. when he told me 'bout this, i was thinking...

my, is he being too desperate in love?

(so sorry dear, that's what comes 1st into my mind at that time... haha)

but that makes me think 'bout myself too. what about me, i thought. said that i'm happy being a single person now, but in fact i still can't get over him. ain't that sounds lonely?

for several times, as i walked around my campus, i looked around. at the bench near the football field. at the cafe where we used to sit before. at the road junction which seperates the girl's hostels from boy's. he was here. we were once here. we were once IN LOVE with each other.

i got this one place, which gives my heart ache even more... an isolated place which is a bit far from the site where most students in my campus used to visit. i still remember the time that we walked together to that place, hand in hand, as we enjoyed the sea breeze coming upon us. then we would spend our time sitting there, having a nice talk and cuddling as we enjoyed the view of the beautiful sunset... awww, that was sweet. i really miss those times. writing our name on the sands, teasing each other, laughing out loud together. oh God, why it is so hard to get those thoughts of this guy out of my head???

there were times where i would walk alone to that place, unintentionally recalling all those memories in my mind. i would look at the path we used to walk by with tearful eyes. it's really sad to see myself sitting on our favourite seat alone, without him that i once called... bie. hubby. (oh yeah, i know it sounds funny & 'YUCKS!' but what do you expect from a person who's so IN LOVE??)

and i still remember how did we cry together when he had to go back to his hometown right after he finished his study in UMSKAL (oh yeah, i forgot to mention that he was already in his final semester when we started dating.) to look for a job. we embraced in each others' arms, bid our farewell & sent him off to the airport.

i still can hear his whispers...

no matter how far we are, i will still take care of you. i will always love you.

urgh, just thinking of it makes me feel like crying.

urmmm... let me just mention him as R here, okay?

wondering what makes me so in love with this guy before?

here's the story...

***

look at that guy. doesn't he looked like Sano in HanaKimi drama series? *giggle*

i turned around. oh, he's in the group of students of UMSKAL. i was still studying in KML at that time. well... he's quite tall, skin's a bit dark, wearing all black... doesn't talk much, always sit silently at a corner. hurmm... cool. i admit that i couldn't take my eyes off of him at the first moment i saw him. we were attending the same church, serving together in the music team. (he was the drummer, i was the tambourine dancer) since that time, one of my friends, E, and i would sit at the back during Sunday Service just to watch this group (for me, of course i would look at him. hehee~) during the preaching time.

(God, please forgive me. i didn't honour your presence at that time huhuu... )

... then, for almost 6 months of doing so, came the day of my 19th birthday. 25 Jan 2009, it was on Sunday, during the CNY eve. since KML was having a week of CNY holidays, so E & i decided to stay at one of the church members' house for the whole week. we were just finish our Sunday Service & about to go for lunch fellowships at the town with other bro & sis. just before we left the church, someone called out my name. i turned to that voice.

hey Therry...

i stunned.

happy birthday. *smile*

without realising, i was smiling widely to him. thanks.

and that very night, when we were celebrating the CNY eve & my birthday at the same time, he sent me a gift. a nice watch. i was so touched.

my crush is giving me a gift. it's a dream come true.

few days later, he asked me out for lunch.

i never thought that we would develop to be this close. closer than i could ever think of.

***

i want to be the one who would love & protect you like nobody else.

please Therry... stay by my side.

my, he made me speechless again. ain't this too rush for us? we just started our friendships for about 3 months ago.

i tried so hard to explain to him: i just want us to be friends. but he refused to listen. okay, this guy is really hard-headed... instead, he never gave up & kept persuading me. hurmmm... the situation was kinda like 'main tarik tali'. i was not ready yet to start the relationship with other guy, but deep in my heart i knew... that i've fallen in love with this guy. should i accept him? or just reject him? i was confused.

then, on 25 May 2009...

R, i'd like you to hold on your promises to me.

don't ever leave me. i just want to be happy with you.

since that day, he called me dear.

***

4 months had passed...

he woke me up early in the morning with an SMS. i got to reply him or he'd get mad.

he called me late at night. i had to pick it up eventhough i had my eyes closed tightly in sleepiness.

you see... this daily routine is really tiresome. i got really depressed of doing everything, just to make this guy satisfied.

no hanging out after 10. stay at your house.

don't walk alone. get your girl buddies to accompany you.

don't get close to other boys. they may fall in love with you.

when i text you, no matter what, you have to reply me!

i really hate it when you don't pick up your phone. evenmore, when you switched off your phone.

don't do this. don't do that. bla bla bla...

R, i'm NOT your BARBIE doll~~!!!

everytime when we talked in phone, the issue would always come out. we would argue to each other, then i would ended up crying alone at a corner.

there was once, when i got too depressed and angry towards myself...

i ran to an empty room inside my house, with a penknife in my hand, & started to slit my left arms like mad. i kept bleeding it out till i saw the blood dripping on the floor. i felt quite relieved but as the tears rolled down, i started my monologue...

... i just want to be happy with you... but why? is it only me to be blamed? is it me that start all these arguments? just... why??

i felt totally lost. so tired. confused. blur in mind.

i know R would never believed me. he doubted my love for him. he was too afraid that someone may take me away from him. if he trusts me, he'd never question much 'bout my friends. keep reminding me to avoid my boy friends. hang out less. ohh c'mon... this is truly NOT me!! i would die without spending some times with my friends. you see, i'm not a person who'd just keep silent & shut myself alone in the room. i want to get more sociable. i want to spend every moment with everyone around. i just want to be happy & free. living my life to the fullest!

... but after all, i still love him. so i decided to hold on. just by my own strength.

but then it came to the next issue. which dragged my friends into our matter.

i can't stand it anymore. this is too much.

i got even more confused. what should i do?

well, R... i don't think i can stand it anymore. this should end ASAP.

***

R, i really hate it when you insult my friends like that. these guys may be bad, but they never treat me the way you do.

we're done. i think breaking up is the best way for us.

***

so now, here i am... back to the single person of me. yup, thinking of what just happened to me few months ago... it's a lie if i say that it doesn't make me lonely without R. but considering all the pain that he had caused to me, & to some of my friends as well, i'd rather choose my own way & walk by it independently... in fact, i feel my life is more meaningful with all those who believe & accept me for who i am.

but i never regret to have met him in my life. instead, i'd like to thank him for those happy moments he'd given to me. for the love that he'd delivered to me. for helping me through when i needed it most.

R, wherever you are now... here i'd like to thank you for giving me such a good care, for loving with your heart. still, i'm blessed to be special one in your heart, among all beautiful & rich girls that surround you everyday. i'd like to apologize too... for i can't be the person you want me to be. i know you wish for a girl who would listen to your 'advices', but please understand that i'm not that kind of girl. we're not meant for each other...

i forgive you R. i really do. yeah... it's not easy to blow away this pain, but keeping the grudge is hurting me even more. it's killing me inside. let us be friends again... just like we used to do 3 months before we started our relationship.

i'd be glad to have you read this. well, i'd pray that you would find your happiness in your new relationship later. have a blessed life ahead, all the best in your career & ministries in the church. no matter what will come to us, remember that we still belong to Him...

some men may follow me. and i may find a new love which will make me happier with it. but i'd like you to know...

i will always love you.